How To Help Yourself While Grieving A Pet Loss

Know That Pet Loss Matters

It's true. There are people who wonder why people get so upset when a pet dies. After all, it's "just a cat" or "just a dog." But, for many of us, that's just it. She wasn't "just a cat." He wasn't "just a dog." We've had a relationship with this animal and she has become "a good friend" and/or "a member of the family." Does that mean if I had no human friends and no human family members - and had animals instead - that I would be as physically and psychologically healthy as I could be from having human friends and human family members? No. Animals are not a permanent replacement for friends and family members. But they can be devoted friends and a part of the family in meaningful ways. There is nothing silly about being emotionally close to an animal companion. Or about feeling a deep sense of loss when s/he dies.

Many studies have shown what many people already knew from their own experience: that having a pet is good for you. Even twenty-five years ago, studies showed that when all else is equal, the people with a pet have a lower stress level. Statistics abound about the physical and psychological benefits of having pets. For example, "In 1995, Erika Friedman at the University of Maryland Hospital conducted a study involving 392 people, which found that heart attack patients with dogs were eight times more likely to be alive a year later than people without dogs." (Pet Health on MSNBC.com; "Puppy Love - It's Better Than You Think," Weaver, 2004). Having a dog (or cat) does not just improve our health, it improves the quality of our lives.

The risk in allowing yourself to get emotionally close to an animal companion is that it opens you up to feeling a deep sense of loss when she dies. But would you want to give up the many joys and benefits of being close to an animal in order to save yourself from feeling a sense of loss later? I wouldn't. In my experience, the gains from having relationships with animal companions have been well worth the pain of losing them. I'd be willing to bet that most people in the US would agree. For every American you meet who thinks it's silly to grieve for an animal companion who has died, there are probably two or three who understand and accept pet loss as a genuine loss. If you find yourself talking with one of the ones who thinks it's silly, don't talk with that person about it. Talk about it with one or more people who understand. Having a pet matters. Losing a pet matters.

Talk and/or write about your memories of your pet.

I "was not a cat person" most of my life. I got my first cat when I was in my early forties. My young son was going through a very hard time. He really wanted a pet and the guinea pig he had gotten for Christmas a few months before just wasn't doing it for him. We would have loved to have gotten a dog but it was also a very hard time in my life and I knew I couldn't manage the higher maintenance of having a dog.

We got a six month old cat from a young woman who had come to the realization that she had too many cats. My son and I named her Pepper, partly in reference to her grey and white stripes. My son immediately developed a relationship with Pepper. More slowly - but surely - she grew on me. I loved the way she would lie on my stomach and chest when I lay down on the couch. It soothed me. We grew to love Pepper, so when she got fatally hit by a car several months later, we were both very upset. You wouldn't have known we had only known her for a few months. Her death was definitely a loss that mattered to us.

We had a burial service for her with friends (at their home because we were renting the house we lived in). My son and I put up pictures of Pepper on our frig and talked about her with each other when the subject naturally came up. I was making Creative Memories scrapbook albums of our lives at the time, so we devoted a few pages to Pepper, writing what we loved about her and thanking her for her legacy (we were now cat people and had two kittens). In time, it was the fond memories that came to mind when we thought of Pepper. The pain of the loss faded away. We kept one photo of Pepper on our frig (in subsequent homes) for about ten years. And we will always have the few pages in tribute to Pepper in our scrapbook album (complete with photos and stories about her).

It's especially satisfying to talk about your pet with others who also knew and enjoyed your pet. (As long as they're willing and able to talk about it). But if you don't have someone to talk with who knew and loved your pet, find someone who loves to talk about their pet, alive or not, and take turns. You may want to visit websites where people write about the loss of their pets and post their photos. For example, Petloss.com: "a gentle and compassionate website for pet lovers who are grieving over the death of a pet or an ill pet. Here you will find personal support, thoughtful advice, The Monday Pet Loss Candle Ceremony, Tribute Pages, ... & much more." http://www.petloss.com

There is healing after pet loss. Maybe not as soon as we'd like. But it usually does happen, especially when you are helping yourself heal by knowing that pet loss matters, by making tribute pages, and by talking and/or writing about your pet.